Watch These, Yeah

It's Valentine's Night, or at least was over two hours ago, and I spent it eating a pizza I didn't want, which I bought only to get enough change to do my washing. Everyone else was at Tiger Tiger but I'd left it too late to get tickets.

But there's no point in writing about stuff like that! It all leads up to my boredom, which leads me to here, distracted from work and posting nonsensical shtick on me blog. I'm checking out this week's film releases; there's crap and godliness all out at the same time. I'll sort 'em.

All The Boys Love Mandy Lane - Eesh, this looks well tedious. Sexy teens go on sexy holiday and get sexually murdered by some sex-obsessed sex-starved sex killer. Probably. AVOID.

Alvin And The Chipmunks - Hmm. It's got one showing in the morning, so it's evil cannot reach far enough to corrupt our fragile little minds. Word to ya: the opening scene features three chipmunks singing Daniel Powter's "Bad Day." Oh man... AVOID.

Cloverfield - I call this one average, and I've found that there can be no definitive judgement when it comes down to ratings. Cloverfield needs to be looked at subjectively: do you marvel at the intense trickery, or do you view it as same-old dressed up disaster pants, or do you vomit absolutely everywhere at the sight of the super-shaky-cam? I'm all three, but where would you stand? Only one way to find out: CHECK IT.

Definitely, Maybe - This one has Ryan Reynolds in, who despite me hating his bastard guts in Blade: Trinity, has done little to anger me since. I've heard (and observed an 88% rating on RT), that this is actually superior to your average by-the-numbers romantic comedy. On top of that, it's got not one, not two, but three lovely ladies vying for lucky Ryan's attention, and one of those girls is Isla Fishcer. Ohhh yeah. I wouldn't pay to see it, but if this sort of thing is your cup of tea, then I don't think you can go wrong. It's the lesser evil. CHECK IT.

Jumper - I've had it in for this one. Hayden Christensen is a terrible actor, a black hole of charisma somehow finding his way into the leading roles of many a sci-fi franchise. He can't carry this one, or change my mind on it. I've already seen negative reviews, and to call them negative is an understatement. I called it. AVOID.

Juno - This film is not focussed on the relationship between Ellen Page and Michael Cera. If you go into it thinking that is, you will be disappointed. This is about the ordeal of Juno's pregnancy, learning who's prepared for the eventuality, and who is on her side. The dialogue can get annoying, especially towards the beginning, but on the whole it's a heartwarming and highly recommended anti-chick flick. CHECK IT.

National Treasure: The Book of Secrets - Indiana Jones is out this May, I'd save my pennies for that if I were you. Nicolas Cage and Harrison Ford are both aging, but only one of them still has a half-respectable haircut. Cage, you look like freakin' Gene Wilder! At this point, I've come to realise that Nicolas Cage is utterly incapable of selecting interesting scripts. Boo! AVOID.

No Country For Old Men - One of the best of 2007, and one of the Coens' best films. Is it better than Fargo? See for yourself, I'm still undecided. But it's damn good, there isn't a wrong scene and the tension is built perfectly without the use of music, centred around three separate protagonists that even on their own could carry the entire film on their shoulders. A masterwork. GO SEE.

Over Her Dead Body - See, if you're taking the missus out, chances are you're under her wicked spell and have a choice between this stinky rom-com, Definitely, Maybe and Juno. By all means, go for Juno, and if the screening room has somehow burnt to the ground, then go for Definitely, Maybe in second place. Do not submit yourself to this, you'll have nothing to discuss afterwards. AVOID.

Penelope - What the hell is this? Christina Ricci...with a pig face? Erm, AVOID.

Sweeney Todd - This is a highly enjoyable film, and if anyone (anyone??) is reading this, chances are they bum both Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, because that seems to be all the rage these days. Well, here they are in all their glory, or gory. It's a fantastic film and one of the best out at the moment, however, it still ain't no Ed Wood! Still, GO SEE.

The Bucket List - Very schmaltzy. I found it impossible to like the characters, the premise...hell, it wasn't even funny, and apparently it's being billed as a comedy. No way. AVOID.

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - It's gained its maker a Best Director Oscar nomination, and I've caught this allegedly very moving foreign film at the top of many people's Best of 2007 lists. I'm gonna make it my mission to catch this before it leaves the cinema, and everyone else should too, if only to take money away from shitfests like The Bucket List. GO SEE.

The Water Horse - Does anyone care if this is actually good? There's a ton of much more important movies out in the same week, and we're supposed to give two flying crapolas about this heap a junk. Nuh uh. AVOID.

There Will Be Blood - I had a min-spasm when I read a 5 star review for this the other day. I'm just really, really excited. And I've waited way too long after its intial US Boxing Day release to be fucked over by Vue cinemas pushing its nationwide release from 8 Feb to 15 Feb. Paul Thomas Anderson is one of my favourite directors all of time, but you'll know by now that Daniel-Day Lewis completely owns this film with his performance. Every broadsheet in the UK has given it 5 stars (yes, even the 1 star-loving Independent). It's been widely touted as an American masterpiece. It's been compared to The Godfather and Citizen Kane. It's been dubbed the best film of the decade. Needless to freakin' say... GO SEE.


Nice waste of 40 minutes. I'll need to post some other topics up in the near future...

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