Ever experience one of those films that makes you want to laugh and cry, all at once? No, not the positive emotions - I'm talking about sheer, venomous anger watered down ever so slightly with shy, mocking laughter. A film that you tell your friends afterwards, "I came so close to walking out" whilst groaning in agony at its image still lingering in your mind, like the memory of a wetting yourself in the cue for the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland?* Doomsday is one of those films.
Neil Marshall isn't this bad, surely? I didn't think that much of The Descent, but despite my rubbish opinion it's been championed as one of the best horror movies of the decade. To its credit, it pushes all the buttons for a uncomfortable viewing experience: a tight, claustrophobic setting; near-darkness with an otherwordly predator; plus heavy breathing - which always feels naaasty. For Marshall to follow up The Descent with Doomsday, this heap of absolute trash, is a real shame for not only himself, but for our nation's cinema. If this is the best we can offer to the action genre, then God help us. Seriously.
In Doomsday, a virus has created a dystopian society in Scotland whereby everyone has sprouted a mohawk and turned into a punk, such is the requirement come the end of times. A government agent (Rhona Mitra) is sent into this hell on earth, forced to leave any semblance of a personality behind. Thus begins the adventure.
Come to think of it, she probably left her personality with Bob Hoskins, who is also a member of the cast and proves, just one year after the release of Outlaw, that everything he touches turns to shit. There's a subplot where he accidentally kills the Prime Minister and tries in vain to apologise, but it's so irrelevant to the bigger picture up north that anyone could fail to care.
Our female protagonist sets off to the danger zone, talking like a robot and asking everyone she meets if they have a cigarette. When she's not doing this, she's leading the biggest team of walking, talking cliches I have ever seen. Here's one for you: the mechanic that enters the introduction stage from under a car. There's also the guy from Hustle...
*tumbleweed*
...once the meets-and-greets are done with, it's full throttle into the heart of darkness as the film sets itself into a pace that never lets up. One could forgive easily because of its relentless energy, if it wasn't simply steamrolling through episode after episode of derivative schlock that steals unashamedly from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Gladiator, Mad Max etc. The list goes on, because there's so many things Doomsday wants to be, and it can't make its mind up. It's literally like a bored child moving its way through Christmas toys.
It made me angry, though I felt determined to get my money's worth. So I started to laugh. When the guy from Hustle held his gun, standing clueless as the enemy struck a pose in slow motion before him, I chuckled. When the guy from Hustle died in slow motion from a flurry of arrows to the back a la Boromir in Lord of the Rings, I giggled. By the time a man in a gimp suit flew into a billboard and exploded, I was crying tears of laughter.
Maybe I got my money's worth? At the end of the day, I was essentially watching ten films at once. Hey, a lot of shit is surely better than just shit.
1/2*
*actually happened to me
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