I'll tell you what, Jumper is so damn lucky that I managed to (drunkenly) view The Accidental Husband before I had the chance to post this entry. The latter film, starring Uma Thurman as a radio therapist that gets forced into a marriage over the internet (don't ask), gets a juicy 0/10 from me...though Jumper is almost equally as dire. It's borderline unwatchable.
In Jumper, we're introduced to David Rice - a boring protagonist moniker if ever there was one - known as a 'Jumper'; as in, he can teleport at will to locations he has visited, or seen, at least once before. David has just one problem, and that problem's name is the silver-haired Samuel L. Jackson, a 'Paladin' obsessed with the belief that Jumpers are the downfall of civilisation, that they have no right to possess the privilege of teleportation. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, yeah?
Before I even begin to touch on the atrocious waste of 90 minutes that is the plot of Jumper, let me first say something about Hayden Christensen, the 'actor' that plays David Rice. When we first see David, it's during a montage in which he is seen at some of the most famous world landmarks, describing his day as we watch it unfold. He ends the narration with something along the lines of "You could say, I'm on top of the world." I don't know if this was supposed to sound clever, but it comes across, along with the rest of the monologue, like a dyslexic man reading from an upside-down script. Ok, so that isn't the case, but it's the next worst thing - the black hole of charisma that is Hayden Christensen, somehow finding himself in another sci-fi leading role, delivering his lines with absolutely no conviction.
Honestly, why is this man still in a job? The world got a glimpse of his terrible acting in the Star Wars prequels, in which he skulked around with a permanent scowl on his face, secretly wetting himself over the possibility the he'll look 'like, totally badass' in the final cut. He does more or less the same thing here, moving about as stiff as a robot and showing no signs of human emotion. In fact, I do often start to wonder if Hayden Christensen is actually a fully functional human being; he's certainly incapable of speaking like a normal person. Is it that bloody hard to apply some tone to your voice?
The hammy acting doesn't stop there. Mr. Black Hole of Charisma sucks away all acting talent from those he meets during the course of the film, so that the able likes of Jamie Bell and Samuel L. Jackson suddenly seem as confused as Keira Knightley in a 21st-century feature film. I swear Jamie Bell utters the line "Did you think you were the only one?" about three times, as Hayden Christensen responds with the only thing he can do properly - a brooding frown.
A gratuitous sex scene with Mr. Black Hole of Charisma and Rachel Bilson takes place during the first half hour and serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever, other than to be featured in the trailer to get the horny teens swarming to the cinema to see 'that chick from the OC get her bewbs out'. Sorry kids, no nudity here. Bilson isn't totally meaningless here actually; she's Mr. BHoC's obligatory love interest, a studio blockbuster must, that causes most of the hoo-ha by continually finding herself being snatch up by ol' 'Paladin' Sammy. She is the source of conflict, the hostage.
This brings me to the plot of Jumper, spread over a thin 90 minutes. You're probably wondering why a sci-fi flick built to potentially kick-off a franchise (oh, it's true) is running at a particularly brief run-time. That's because nothing happens. Nothing happens.
I've told you what there is to know. Jumper is all about Samuel L. Jackson chasing Hayden Christensen and Jamie Bell across the globe, eventually capturing Rachel Bilson to draw the pair in with ease. I haven't spoilt anything; this is all perfectly evident from the trailer, and really, what does that tell us? They say that the trailer of a film contains all of its best bits. Well, for what little impressive aspects of Jumper there are, you'll find them in the trailer, thus saving you time and money on this total piece of trash. Honestly, if I had to find anything good to say about ths film, it's that some parts just...look Ok. Yep, there's the odd special effect here and there, but surely that doesn't account for the total lack of plot or character development.
No, Jumper is just another empty film with nothing to say, but a lot to show off. Its few visual effects are merely passable, but I can at least award it a mark for those. Again, you only need to watch the trailer to see them.
As I said at the start of this write-up, Jumper escapes my most vengeful wrath by being marginally better than The Accidental Husband. Oh, how I will enjoy writing about that film. =)
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