The Worst Films of 2007

2007, haha... "But Ed, it's 2009!" ...shut up! It's my party and I can live in the past if I want to.

The bad news is of course, that I've been so lazy and slow in actually compiling all this pointless, inconsequential information, and that it has reached you a year too late. The good news is that it won't happen again! I'm speeding through 2008 films as we speak and that specific list should be up February. mmm, relevancy.

On we go! I saw almost 100 2007 films, and I only really liked about a couple of them. 10 or 15 I thought were great. About 60 of them ranged from mediocre to terrible. Here, I present to you the bottom of the barrel of 2007.

30. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (David Yates)

"So what should we do for the next Potter movie, folks?"
"Ooo, sir, I have an idea!"
"What is it, Jenkins."
"Well, you know how Prisoner of Azkaban was a success with critics and fans alike?"
"Yes, go on..."
"And Goblet of Fire was mildly passable entertainment?"
"Yes, yes..."
"I believe we should go for a different approach with this next one."
"Different! Yes, I like it. Thinking outside the box. What did you have in mind?"
"Well, first we hire a talentless hack called David Yates."
"Go on..."
"Then we get Malfoy, Harry and the Weasley brothers to cut off the girly hair they'd grown for Goblet of Fire."
"Is that it?"
"Yes, sir."
"What does this Yates fellow have to bring to the table, exactly?"
"Excruciatingly bad cinematography, weak battle sequences, flat performances and short hair."
"Jenkins, you're a maverick."

29. Into the Wild (Sean Penn)

Everybody and their grandmother simultaneously blurted in their pants over this sappy tale of a precocious bugger who, dissatisfied with the oh so third world existence of middle class suburbia, decides to pack his things and set off into the wilderness. It's an adaptation of a well-renowned book (based on a true story), which I'm sure is good and probably does a better job at justifying the actions of this seemingly smug arsewipe portrayed by smuggy McSmug Emile Hirsch, in this 2 and a half hour snoozefest. There's plot manipulations abound, with the parents increasingly demonised to make their son appear in the right. This includes scenes of them shouting at each other in a blaze of hissy fits, which apparently didn't happen, yet the real-life parents gave it the go-ahead anyway. Hang on, can we have the truth?

I've also seen better wildlife imagery on the Discovery Channel. How remarkably bland.

28. The Simpsons Movie (David Silverman)

I've attacked this film to the point of exhaustion. There's nothing left to do but repeat myself. Bart's plot resolved in worst way. No laughs. Needless Lisa subplot leads nowhere. No laughs. Rehashed marriage doubts for Marge. Rubbish villain. Springfield characters given a one-liner each. No laughs.

27. Rendition (Gavin Hood)

"Hey Jim, Wolverine: Origins is going to be so totally awesome!"
"Wolverine: Origins?... Why are you my friend?"
"Hey, fuck you. Didn't you like the X-Men films?"
"X-Men 2 was cool. That was directed by Bryan Singer*. Who's doing Wolverine?"
"Heh, doing Wolverine..."
"Answer the question."
"Gavin Hood."
"Gavin Hood? Who's he?"
"OMFG you looooser. He made Tsotsi which is this wicked foreign film where a guy learns how to love and gfpgionmpisenOscarawrsdsiognfk."
"Ok. What else did he do?"
"Rendition. It's this awesome moral tale about extraordinary rendition where Reese Witherspoon shouts 'WHERE IS MY HUSBAND!!!!!!' constantly."
"That doesn't sound like much fun."
"They are sorta cardboard characters. But they have such human emotions."
"You do realise, what you just said makes no sense?"
"...J.K. Simmons and Alan Arkin bark orders at people..."
"Aren't they just the same person?"
"...there's an explosion in there somewhere..."
"This sounds terrible."
"Jim."
"Yeah?"
"I think...I think I love you."
"What, what are yo sayi--"
"WHERE'S MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*This blog does not endorse Bryan Singer in any way, shape or form.

26. The Ten (David Wain)

The basic premise of this lil comedy is that the ten commandments provide some lulz. Some lulz, not many. Paul Rudd is our narrator, half-heartedly guiding us through ten rushed segments that put each of the commandments into practice. There's a laugh or two to be had, but it all collapses towards the end in a jaw-droppingly horrifying musical number, the participants of which must have been truly embarassed to have had to perform. In multiple takes. A very clumsy, hypocritical waste of (usually) reliable actors.

25. Things We Lost in the Fire (Susanne Bier)

"Boy, it sure is great to work at Empire!"
"You betcha, buddy."
"Ok, now that we've established for the reader what our occupations are, let's get reviewing!"
"Sure thing. What's up first?"
"Well sir, it's Things We Lost in the Fire, starring Benicio Del Toro and Catwoman."
"I see, and what sort of film is it?"
"It's a serious film."
"And you know it's Empire's policy to give 'serious films' four stars, right?"
"What do we give three stars to?"
"Buck up, lad! We give three stars to terrible films that gave us candy, and to great films that didn't."
"Well, what should I give to Things We Lost in the Fire?"
"Was there a press junket, did they give us candy?"
"There was no candy, sir."
"Bah! But it's a serious film, you say?"
"Yes, sir. Lots of melodrama and cheese, good performances wasted by a cliched script."
"And the plot?"
"A woman learns to move on from the death of her husband. A drug dealer learns to move on from drugs or something."
"Sounds serious."
"Mmm, so...?"
"Let's do this the Empire way. Slap four stars on that puppy and let it sit."

24. Disturbia (D.J. Caruso)

This is Caruso's shameful attempt at reimagining Rear Window for the MySpace generation, only he doesn't quite understand what made that film work so well. We open with a car crash to immediately grab the attention of the ADD audience, and the rest of proceedings follow in the same fashion. There's plenty of oohs and aahs, with hardly any suspense to spare in comparison to Hitchcock's masterpiece. In Rear Window, Grace Kelly didn't need to be ogled at in her bikini to attract our attention, and her role was of a woman that Stewart's character almost feared, in a way. Fast-forward to 2007 and Shia LaBeouf's sole intention is to dry-hump the leg of this young blonde neighbour as soon as humanly possible. Such lovely, complex filmmaking.

23. Fracture (Gregory Hoblit)

Would you belive it, yet more derivative dirge from Hollywood's toilet water. Anthony Hopkins channels Hannibal Lecter (geddit!) as he plays a devious game with young gun Ryan Gosling, who is trying desperately to prove that the bald guy killed his own wife. Entertaining in certain parts but ultimately very by-the-numbers, Gosling is really the only one putting any effort here. Hopkins phones it in, reminding us that we're not watching Silence of the Lambs, and this isn't being directed by Jonathan Demme.

22. 30 Days of Night (David Slade)

"Hey, man. I saw 30 Days of Night yesterday."
"Oh yeah? I bet that was scary."
"Nope. Just shit."

21. Black Sheep (Jonathan King)

They tell me to get a sense of humour. They say that this an light-hearted, admirable low-budget horror. Well, to me it was a moronic chore of a low-budget horror, about as painful to sit through as whatever that sheep was feeling when the farmer started bumming it.

Y'know, this has sheep sex in it. There are 24 hours in a day.

20. Bee Movie (Simon J. Smith & Steven Hickner)

True story: Steven Spielberg and Jerry Seinfeld were eating dinner together (probably off each other's chests) when Jerry decided to share his special idea with Steven. The idea was...get this...'Bee Movie'. For those without a brain cell, that's B Movie, and it's about a bee! Genius! Apparently, Steven got out his phone straight away and made a call, it was That. Damn. Good.

Honestly, that is a true story that Seinfeld has testified to himself. What resulted from this dinner was a CGI kids movie with terrible animation, three separate episodes jammed into one film, and the great moral of the story to, as usual, 'be yourself'. Actually, that last one is false. Shockingly enough, the moral of Bee Movie is to remain part of the hive mind. Seriously. Oh, and see what I did there? Jerry Seinfeld, I take your 'Bee Movie' and raise you a 'Hive Mind'.

19. Lions for Lambs (Robert Redford)

How hilarious is it that I had this as one of my most anticipated films of Winter 2007?! I'll tell you: extremely hilarious. The idea was intriguing, yet it's another reel to throw on the heap of 'Iraq films' that desperately need torching. Endless prolysetising by Redford, Streep and co. An eternity of preaching. Ninety minutes you won't get back.

18. Live Free or Die Hard (Len Wiseman)

Die Hard is so awesome because it practically invented most of the action movie cliches, and it's easy to forget this when you're watching it. It's an exciting yet endearing Christmas movie, led by a protagonist that is the everyman, emerging as a true hero by the very end. Focus is pulled and thrown numerous times in several shots as the camera weaves through the carnage-filled corridors of the Nakotomi building. On the other end of this maelstrom? Hans Gruber, one of the greatest villains of all time, portrayed by Alan Rickman in his first ever film role.

Die Hard 4.0, how do you ever hope to match this? Let's see, your villain is Timothy Olymphant as an angry hacker. He's going to spend most of his time at a computer looking mean, you say? What's this on page 78, John McClane...surfing a jet plane? I'll get my coat.

17. The Kingdom (Peter Berg)

You've all seen the disgustingly offensive pile of dog turd that is Hancock, no doubt. This is what Peter Berg did one year prior, sending Jason Bateman, Jamie Foxx and Jamie Foxx's sunglasses off to the Middle East. The mission? Have Jamie Foxx make the arabs look really, really stupid. I think Berg suceeded somewhat as this film is rife with stupidity.

16. Alpha Dog (Nick Cassavetes)

John Cassavetes was a master of cinema, so why is his son an absolute hack? This is a film, based on a true story, that shamelessly manipulates the viewer into having sympathy for a group of young adults that conspired to murder a young boy, then bury his body in the hills. Why the fuck should we side with these people???

Alpha Dog also features a cameo by Bruce Willis, wearing fake liver spots on his head.

15. The Bucket List (Rob Reiner)

Reiner, Reiner, Reiner. How far you have fallen. Predictably, laughably, Morgan Freeman narrates with the same opening line as in The Shawshank Redemption: "I first met ___ when..." This is a film about two old men in their twilight years, staring death in the face, deciding to do all the things they've always wanted to before they finally 'kick the bucket'. What's wrong with all this harmless fun? The family is an afterthought to Jack Nicholson's character, who is so horribly unlikeable that it's hard to comprehend why Freeman's dying fogie would even consider spending time with him outside the hospital. They travel together to locales that are obviously fake, engaging in selfish behaviour considering the circumstances. Cancer isn't serious business, apparently. Don't spend your last days on earth with your family, spend them drinking wine with Morgan Freeman!

14. The Condemned (Scott Wiper)

Let's forget for the moment that the last name of this film's director is an action that you do to your own ass. Let's turn our attention to The Condemned, a film to wipe your ass with. Produced by WWE films (a seal of quality if ever I saw one), this caper sees Stone Cold Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones and other 'roid freaks set upon each other in a reality TV show whereby the winner is the last man left standing. This is all sounding very Battle Royale to me.

There's a great moment where Stone Cold flees from Vinnie, diving into the water. Vinnie fires his gun haphazardly into the water for about 30 seconds, then when Stone Cold emerges to make another runner, Vinnie stops for a breather. At least the man is bringing to his character a semblance of the real life Vinnie, for that we can only applaud his intelligence.

All this is obviously quite morally bankrupt, and there's the token character who disagrees with everything inserted purely to justfiy all the bloodshed. Let's not kid ourselves here guys, this is total macho bullshit.

13. Run, Fatboy, Run (David Schwimmer)

Simon Pegg leaves Thandie Newton at the altar, regrets his decision and decides to run to redeem himself! How predictable. "'Simon', they sneer, 'how could you leave Thandie Newton at the altar? You horrible, horrible man!" Hey, leave him alone, I'd leave that bitch at the altar too. Don't look at me like that. She's a dog! She's crap, she was in Norbit! Oh shit I just spoilt my list.

12. Transformers (Michael Bay)

I couldn't see anything!!!

11. I Am Legend (Francis Lawrence)

The source material for this sounds really interesting. The last man in New York is left with the same gang of undead thingamijgs, and he slays them thusly for self-defence. Only, he's now the minority, and therefore is the monster in their society. He is put on trial by the monsters and given a public execution.

The producers of I Am Legend probably thought this was a bit too bleak and/or challenging for the general public, and they were right, because instead they turned the story into a horrendous Hollywood trash film, complete with a happy ending that had Will Smith save the world for the 112th time. And you know what? It made a shedload at the box office. Fuck you, general public.

10. Saw 4 (Darren Lynn Bousman)

The Saw franchise returned for another year of poor writing hiding under an alleged "genius" twist. Some people find entertainment in watching others die slowly in meticulously constructed torture devices. Not me. Create an atmosphere in your film, then we'll talk.

9. Norbit (Brian Robbins)

I'll never forget the night I saw this in the cinema. Yes, you heard that right. The cinema. The alcohol made me do it! Naturally, I laughed my tits off up until the halfway point, where I got a headache from my frozen fanta/needed the toilet/sobered up and realised what I'd paid for.

8. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (Dennis Dugan)

The excellent fondling of Jessica Biel's boobs does not save this doozy from bottom of the pile oblivion. Incidentally, after we saw this we got horribly lost in the gay district of Leeds.

7. The Hitcher (Dave Meyers)

The sight of Sean Benn sitting in the back of car, waving next to a small child and a fluffy dinosaur, is one that I will cherish forever. Perhaps I will also cherish the sight of Sean Bean tearing a young man's torso in half. Why is everything so much more awesome when Sean Bean does it? In the same way, why is a bad film made worse when Sean Bean is in it? I'm not sure, but I know it definitely has something to do with Sean Bean. I hear a faint sound, metal tapping. Clink, clink, clink. A coffin is being prepared. If it is Sean Bean's coffin, does that make it awesome? Or will it be a lacklustre coffin, primarly because Sean Bean is inside it? A moustached man approaches me, whispers into my ear. It is not for Sean Bean, but for his career. I wonder what Sean Bean will do now his access to Hollywood is cut off. I can only imagine his days from here on in will be spent threatening Neil Warnock's children, as it is the second thing he does best, after sitting in the back of car with said children and fluffy dinosaur.

6. Hitman (Xavier Gens)

Controversial statement: Even as the 6th most hated film of my 2007, this still isn't as bad as Quantum of Solace. Ooooooo. Flame away, people.

5. 300 (Zack Snyder)

The true death of cinema: a giant reddish-brown, oily shit smeared on a paint canvas, superimposed with hundreds of muscly, bronzed twats. Homoerotic and homophobic all at once, this fascist myth spends its entirety delighting in slow-motion mutilation, with the intolerable growling of Gerard Butler to break up the monotony. It's still one-note however, and it's truly a crying shame that it has become so popular.

Fun fact: Without the slow-motion, 300 is seven minutes long.

4. Epic Movie (Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer)

The chances of Epic Movie making the Top 5 Worst Movies of 2007 was about as surefire as Amy Winehouse eating her own shit for breakfast each morning. Well, here it is, no surprises. These fratboys need to visit spoof-school to learn that simply placing a Daniel Craig-lookalike in the frame doesn't automatically make it hilarious. You have to do something with it. Go on, what are you going to do with him. Oh, I see, a fart joke.

3. Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (Colin & Greg Strause)

Thankfully my money wasn't completely wasted when I went to see this abortion; a friend of mine had drunk a bottle and a half of wine before buying his ticket, and the nauseating edits of AVP2 caused him to vomit his gizzards out all over the woman in front of him. Amazing scenes. I think my favourite part of this film was when the little girl askes "Mommy, are the monsters gone?" to which her mother replied, "Yes honey...they're gone." Or maybe the moment when they flew out of a nuclear bomb cloud in a helicopter. Or the bit where the army general looks at the screen and asks "Who are you?" Or maybe the bit where the high school kids cry about their lovelife. Any of those three, but definitely not the bits where Alien and Predator are fighting, because I couldn't see a fucking thing.

2. Outlaw (Nick Love)

Not content with letting The Football Factory show to the world just how astronomically shit he is, Nick Love returned with a delightfully fascist tale of a group of vigilantes, comprised of Sean Bean, Danny Dyer and a goth, who take to the streets to administer some paaaain. This 'justice' amounted to them picking a fight in a pub, and getting beaten up round the back of it. It's filmed in a 'gritty style maaan', with shakycam, although it probably isn't a good idea to give the shakycam duties to someone with Parkinson's disease.

1. Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End (Gore Verbinski)

"Hey, you know what would be a good idea?"
"What?"
"We should make a third Pirates of the Carribean film!"
"Are you kidding?"
"Why not? Dead Men's Chest is one of the biggest grossers of all time!"
"No I meant, are you kidding because it's already been made."
"Huh?"
"It was filmed back to back with Dead Man's Chest, to conclude the shoehorned plot that has no ties to the first film."
"I see. That must be quite exhausting for the cast and crew, did it wrap on time?"
"More or less, which is surprising considering all they had to fit in. It's three hours long."
"Three hours?? Why on earth is it that long?"
"Because we're pretentious fucking wankers, that's why."
"What happens in those three hours?"
"People betray each other. Over and over and over again."
"This all sounds very dark. Is Johnny Depp around to provide comic relief?"
"Oh, he's around. He shows up half an hour into the film."
"Half an hour?? Why would you wait that long?"
"I already told you, we're prententious cunts."
"Goodness, who on earth would put that into the script..."
"There wasn't a script."
"Whaaaa?? There wasn't a script?!"
"Nope, we just made it up as we went along."
"Insanity..."
"The box office says otherwise. Take this response I read online for instance..."
"Yes?"
"Chris Rigby says, 'It was good, decent end to the trilogy like'"
"That's one man's opinion."
"Jenkins, if you want to march over to Chris Rigby's house..."
"er--"
"...and tell him that he is worthless sack of crap..."
"um--"
"...that deserves a bloody, brutal beatdown for enjoying this film, then go ahead, by all means."
"That's not what I meant."
"You're a traitor to this company Jenkins. You're fired. And I tell you what, if tiny Chris is sitting there at home with his special edition of At World's End, watching his favourite actor Orlando Bloom act his wooden heart out, then who are we to deny him this joy? I say to you people, who will join me? Who will join me in making little Chris Rigby's life full of even more joy? I have a dream. Pirates of the Carribean 4, 5 and 6. Each of them seven hours long. This time we'll have a script. Oh, but not one script. We're going to have two scripts per film, mashed together in an orgy of jumbled dialogue and cliched plot twists. And then, only then, will all the Chris Rigbys of the world wear their little smiles of unadulterated joy, their bald heads beaming in the light of our benevolent sun."