More Bad - Average '07 Films

...but they get better as they go along, honest!

American Gangster (Ridley Scott)
Scott continues to dig himself further into a pit of mediocrity with this unoriginal MTV movie. If anything, 'American Badass' is a more apt title, due to the majority of the 3 hours runtime spent following the apparently 'charismatic' Denzel Washington cruise around blowing shit up.

Eagle vs. Shark (Taika Waititi)
If it wasn't for the fact that this starred the naturally brilliant comic Jemaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords, I'd be pouring a lot more scorn into the gaping mouth of what is essentially a Napoleon Dynamite clone.

The Kite Runner (Marc Forster)
Before he could get his hands on, and ultimately ruin the Bond franchise for the time being, Marc Forster had a little gushiness to serve up in the form of this book adaptation. Annoying kids become annoying adults, take their problems with them and make some dozy bitch in the first row cry by the end credits.

Mr. Brooks (Bruce A. Evans)
This could have been an alright character study were it not for the intrusion of a boring subplot about Demi Moore. Perhaps this was inserted to give the film some more depth, maaaan. Who gives a shit about Demi Moore, anyway? Not me. Probably Ashton Kutcher. Hopefully I need say no more, as the mention of his name no doubt brought forth giggles of pity and disgust within your mind. Here's another one: Dane Cook is in this film. Dane Cook.

Stardust (Matthew Vaughn)
Featuring the most anticlimatic final battle in all of fantasy lore. Robert De Niro's lulzy (yet for him, quite possibly soul-destroying) transvestite cameo aside, there's not enough originality or flair for this to fully charm your pants off. Unless you enjoy watching Michelle Pfieffer walking across many, many fields.

Spider-Man 3 (Sam Raimi)
'Nuff said.

The Namesake (Mira Nair)
So so average, that I just want to claw my eyes out with a rusty fork for even contemplating its existence. On the plus side, it is good to see Kal Penn play a role that doesn't render him a complete joke.

In The Valley of Elah (Paul Haggis)
Aaaaah, no! Mum! Get him away! Shit, Paul Haggis is here. What's that in his hand? It looks like a... oh fuck, it's a script for Quantum of Solace. Well, that explains absolutely everything. On closer inspection, I realise that Haggis does in fact have more than one hand; goshdarnit, he has eleven hands. Some of them are holding Oscars for Crash, the others are copping a feel of Thandie Newton's breasts. Paul, you don't know what you're doing. I feel like I don't know you anymore. Did I ever know you? No, I didn't... but I know your didactic directorial style, and it smacks of proselytising cack. Don't touch me, Paul. I think you should leave.

The Counterfeiters (Stefan Ruzowitzky)
Wow, the fact that I honestly can't remember anything about this film really does speak wonders for its case. Actually quite disappointed, as I'm convinced it isn't as bad as the films it shares company with in this list. What a shame!

Charlie Wilson's War (Mike Nichols)
It's also quite a shame to see Mike Nichols here, but this one is so far off the mark. Everyone tries their hardest, including Philip Seymour Hoffman, who once again steals the show from under the main cast with a storming supporting role. Sadly, his input is not enough to save this tonally confused disappointment.

Away From Her (Sarah Polley)
Felt like a Lifetime Movie, looked like a Lifetime Movie, sounded like a Lifetime Movie - but brother, it ain't a Lifetime Movie! Except, it really is.

Beowulf (Robert Zemeckis)
Entertaining routine, I'd say. We have here a great advertisement for motion-capture, though probably not for 3D; the extra dimension is wasted on typical instances of items being thrown at the audience. Ray Winstone bellows his name constantly to recall the spirit of 300, but at least the hero he plays is aware of his own existence, and isn't just behaving like a violent robot that's only just discovered sentient life a la King Leonidas. Fuckin' 300...

Enchanted (Kevin Lima)
Amy Adams is so beautiful I just want to bash my head against a cobblestone wall. She sings, she dances, she gasps in amazement at absolutely everything. This. Is. Disney.

He Was a Quiet Man (Frank Cappello)
Another one I can't quite remember. Elisha Cuthbert did get her nipples out, though. Or were they the nipples of a double? It's certainly worth pondering. I wonder if this is what the director wanted me to take away from the experience.

The Mist (Frank Darabont)
Annoying Christian woman shouts at everyone. Giant bugs eat everyone. Sounds just like real life LOL. Nah but seriously, this is probably only worth watching for the hilariously bleak ending.

Walk Hard (Jake Kasdan)
Too long, too back and forth but still filled with plenty of punchlines per scene. Memo to the guys behind Epic Movie: this is how you spoof.

Youth Without Youth (Francis Ford Coppola)
Coppola hasn't entirely got his mojo back, though I can't help but admire the man for doing what he was born to do: make art films. Yes, the big dog is shunning mainstream Hollywood for a more personal approach to his filmmaking. Perhaps others should take note, and I won't name names. George Fucking Lucas.

The Nines (John August)
Ryan Reynolds is back in my good books after a competent performance in this Lynch-lite trio of mindfucks. The inclusion of a misplaced musical number did however reek of pretensiousness.

Lars and the Real Girl (Craig Gillespie)
If you love Capra, you should dig this. Myself, I've always believed there's a time and a place for Capra. So if I ever watch this particular film at the wrong time, and in the wrong place, I might just break a table.

Knocked Up (Judd Apatow)
Back when the Judd Apatow troupe was a little more consistent with its output, and Seth Rogen hadn't yet completely saturated our silver screens with his grating f(r)atboy misadventures. This one isn't quite up to the standard set by 40-Year Old Virgin, nor does it pack in as much belly laughs as the superior 2007 Apatow flick Superbad. Given this, it's a damn sight better than most of the year's comedies.


Tonight's blog entry has obviously been a little rushed and poorly written. So I don't enjoy writing extensively on films I don't care about. Sue me.

I'll get to the good'uns in due time!