I must admit, I've been looking forward to writing up this little number, if only to clear away a few misconceptions about myself. Yes, that's right: this review is all about me. Forget the efforts of Hugh Jackman, Liev Schrieber and Gavin Hood, because Wolverine is now the launching pad with which I can put a few things straight about myself, in the context of comic book movies.
I guess the first thing to make clear is this movie sucks hard. I am better than this film. Why? Because I am a human being, made up of many complex organs that work together tirelessly to keep me alive. I have a brain with which to think and make logical decisions. I can feel emotion, such as the anger and pity I feel towards the producers of Wolverine. I listen to a wide variety of musical genres, and I'd like to think I've reached the point where my film taste is refined enough to filter out anything with the buzzwords 'Michael Bay', 'Eddie Murphy' and 'Paul Haggis'. Ok, I'll flatter myself - that moment came long, long ago.
And yet, I don't love myself. In fact, there is as much self-loathing inherent in me as there is self-admiration. I am as flawed as the next man. Still, as worthless as I could possibly be, that would still not bring me down to the utterly useless levels of Wolverine.
People say to me, "Ed, you read comic books, so surely Wolverine is your thing?" WRONG.
I read comic books, yes, but over the years I have learnt to cut down my subscription into the most essential list of books you could ever need (If anyone's interested, Green Lantern, Batman and New Avengers are rockin' right now). I do this because of two words that I've always stood by in my brief tenure as a human being: QUALITY CONTROL.
I won't stand for mediocrity, and I demand that my music be brimming with passion, creativity and originality; my films must challenge, speak to me or at the very least entertain me; my comic books must be well-written. Good artwork without good narrative? I don't think so.
You see, in the same way that a good director is behind every good film, a good comic book is written by a great writer. If Wonder Woman was written by Geoff Johns, you're damn right I'm gonna give it a look-see. Quality control, people. There is so much content out there, and so little time to take it all in.
Now I'm a fan of Wolverine and the X-Men in general (I even wear Wolverine socks), but I'm not willing to go lightly on director Gavin Hood because of this fact. To slap a brand on any piece of turd and assume that it will appeal to me is absurd. Just look at Quantum of Solace. Let us judge the film for what it is. how it is.
Onto the next misconception: "But Ed, you watch wrestling. That's just angry men fighting each other, what's so different about this?"
Wrong again, friendo. Firstly, I'd like to say that it's usually the people who have no hobbies or interests other than football that tend to call me out on my appreciation of pro wrestling. Ironic. Secondly, wrestling can be interesting when it wants to be. Put the right people in the ring, give them enough time, and they can put on a great show. They can tell a story if they want to. The bottom line is that the fixed, choreographed nature of wrestling is what makes it so great. Because these guys have their moves planned out, everything can run a lot smoother and entertainment through soft violence is achieved.
Translate this to film language, and what we're asking for are well-made sequences of plausible, enjoyable action. I'm talking about the original Die Hard, which didn't need plane-surfing, or dudes leaping from tanks onto choppers, to grab people's attention. I'm talking about the Bourne series, where the action is well edited, as opposed to Quantum of Solace, which aims to ape Bourne's style whilst forgetting to let the audience know what exactly is going on.
Does Wolverine have its merits, taking into account all these preconceptions about my judgement on what makes a good comic book film? Let's compare it to last year's offerings. Iron Man had humour and a charismatic lead in Robert Downey Jr., in addition to the chemistry he shared with the rest of the cast. With Hugh Jackman, all the man seems to feel is great anger towards everyone alive, allowing his character no development over the course of the film. He learns nothing new, forgets an awful lot, and gains more enemies than friends.
The Dark Knight gave us plenty to chew on, what with its nifty subtext about terrorism, neo-conservatism and political leaders. Does Wolverine give us equal insight, or at least some sort of theme? This is a Fox production, so you can answer that one yourself. Maybe the pleas of "you must fight the animal inside you, be good" constantly screeched towards Logan could count as a wider moral, only the very idea is counteracted by every single character in the film bashing the living shit out of each other with canes, claws and playing cards.
Hellboy II was much funnier than Iron Man, but for this one I'll draw on the set design. Big Red's playground was lusciously imagined, filled with the sort of creatures you'd expect to find in the Mos Eisley Cantina, the colourful backdrops you'd expect any other director than del Toro to lazily render with CGI. Wolverine decides to do things the Marvel way, having its production design imitate last year's Incredible Hulk by way of surrounding Wolvy with tanks and other such militaristic backdrops. Such a colourless movie.
Wolverine's girlfriend is slain in the first act - that isn't a spoiler, it's shown in the trailer - and this is supposedly the motivation for him to unleash holy hell on absolutely everyone. As he holds her limp body in the snow, we fail to care. Apparently we should, judging by the heights the score's volume reaches. Once Wolvy's journey begins, we're taken on a humourless romp through a who's who of Marvel mutants.
(Ok, I have to pause here. There is one really, really funny moment in this film. Wolverine finds shelter in the barn of an elderly couple, who out of the kindness of their hearts allow him to stay and recuperate. One bright spring morning they decide to bring him tea and biscuits - when suddenly they are both riddled with bullets and their barn is blown to smithereens by helipcopter missiles. I laughed, but I'm not as sadistic as you'd think, I just thought it was really, really bad luck!)
Gambit, Deadpool, Blob... they're all here, mismanaged in one way or another. It's almost like Epic Movie; they show up to satisfy whichever kid in the audience finds solace in a small cameo by someone who represents not an iota of their favourite character, and then they're gone. They serve no purpose, unless it involves brawling for no reason.
By the end of Wolverine, you almost feel cheated that you've spent so long following these characters jump in and out of frame, slashing each other ferociously, all the while learning nothing about themselves or each other, and neither have you learnt anything about them. Each character in this film is a vessel for presposterous action sequences that bore rather than fascinate. I can think of good few action scenes in X-Men 2 that were a damn sight better than even the best Wolverine set-piece.
So there you have it. My opinions on Wolverine, one of the worst films of the year so far. This is an article about Wolverine, but it's still my article. It's about me. I won't let Wolverine win this fight.
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